• The Duffer's Diary

Things that should be banned on trains once the temperature gets over 25 degrees Celsuis


I’ve recently been away for work and it’s involved being on trains, in hot weather and often suited and booted – which is never a good way to travel at the best of times. It’s not like I’m expecting the Orient Express, but not being repulsed by the rest of my species would be a good starter for 10.

1. People who eat fish sandwiches. That have been allowed to warm up a bit. Really, I like fish and I was trying not to breathe in lest I chunder. Followed by equally stinky crisps. I’m not one of natures’ spewers, but it’s not like you can ask the person in your overstuffed carriage to go sit somewhere else, or  sureptitiously shove hankies up your nostrils until they’ve stopped eating.

2. Getting your ugly feet out for all to see. The only people who should get their feet out on trains are babies. Or at least the folk who’ve worn comfy shoes for most of their lives so they don’t have the trotters of some grotesque hobbit/pterodactyl hybrid.

3. Manspreading – I know it’s hot but really? I need more than one buttock on a seat at a time. If you have a good solid reason for taking up this much space to ensure that “things” get air, at very least I demand either; a doctors note, and/or a letter from your partner.

4. Business folk who think they are terribly important. At the end of the day, we’re just trying to make a living, so why be a cockwomble?

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