Posted in anxiety, Burnout, mental health, the feels

Managing anxiety when you can’t step off the hamster wheel

Let’s face it, work sometimes sucks. If you find you’re surrendering to creeping panic, here’s a few things I’ve found useful to stifle the screaming ab-dabs.

I’ve tried to encompass things that have helped when I’ve been in jobs where I’ve had little control over my time as well as the jobs where I have so treat this as pick ‘n mix according to your circumstances.

  1. Do everything slowly for a while, describing everything that you do silently in your head. It helps ground you in the present moment and you can do it while you’re moving around. Concentrate on what you are doing with your body, rather than “I’m going to shove this bread roll up the nose of the bloke on table 4”.
  2. Divide your tasks down to very small chunks – the advantage here is you’ll still probably achieve what you need to, without being overwhelmed by the vastness of the whole process of the thing that you’re trying to achieve.
  3. Tell an understanding someone that you are struggling. Even a text.
  4. Set boundaries and plan if that’s an option for you.
  5. (if you can) do the thing that will bring you the most joy at that given moment. (Within reason – getting someone to cover you so you can go to your child’s sports day, rather than slipping laxatives into your co-workers’ tea.)
  6. Lock yourself in the staff toilet and watch a Kitten/Panda/Puppy video so you can regroup.img_1131
  7. Go for a walk and look at trees.
  8. Pop over to Pinterest and find a quote that resonates and that you can use as a mantra that you can read silently to yourself until you feel calmer. This has the added advantage of you can be doing this while doing something else – even while being customer facing.
  9. Remember everyone is winging it.
  10. Remember that unfortunately some people are assholes and this is not your problem.
  11. Remember that other people can’t see what’s going on in your head so they probably aren’t judging you, and if they are see point 9.

Posted in blogging, Burnout, guilt, Random, the feels

Dreams

Generally my dreams are a load of tripe: for example, the one about trying to catch pigs in a flooded field whilst carrying a washing machine. Whilst being chased by anthromorphic articulated lorries*. This was a particular stand out in my catalogue of anxiety-ridden sleep time brain vomitings.

Last night I had an epiphany. Does anyone else have dreams that come in a series? Hopefully not just me – but if it is just me, please send me the number of a good therapist.

However, I digress. Occasionally I get to have a season finale, and so it was last night. I have been dreaming about binning off lectures, skiving off tutorials and failing to hand work in for years. Hilariously, once I actually graduated, I dreamt that I had started a new degree and I was repeating the pattern. BA (Hons) Media Communications to be exact.

Last night I graduated from the fictional degree, and got a Third – and then had the realisation that a) I had a degree already so it didn’t matter all that much and b) had a much better grade. And oddly enough, woke up feeling pretty good about myself.

Brain, I could have done with this a few years ago, you twat.

*Though any inference you might hazard to make about the fact that I was married to my first husband at the time is purely coincidental.
Posted in Burnout, the feels

How Mindfulness helped me get my groove back after Burnout – Part 3

Part 3 – Getting Better

If you’ve missed the first two, you can find Part 1 here and Part 2 here.

Hamster in a bowl of hamster food
Unfortunately not happily stuffing myself with nuts and seeds.
Image by James Barker at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

So there I am, sitting in front of the counsellor, feeling slightly ridiculous and, let’s face it, coughing like several members of the Bronte family at once. It was one of those coughs where people would markedly walk around me in supermarkets, and would surreptitiously get the antiseptic hand gel out when they thought i wasn’t looking. However, on the upside, people did tend to give me a lot of personal space.

(I’d have added an image here but everything was far too disturbing).

So why did I feel ridiculous? In my messed up world view, I’d somehow failed. Firstly because I’d been in therapy before and I had been unable to stop a crisis occurring again, secondly because I still had the feeling that I was letting everyone down and thirdly, because frankly, the antidepressants still had me quite baked so the infection, the drugs and the general messed-up-ness led to everything feeling slightly surreal.

As you do, I talked and he listened. I explained that In that one of things that had kept me going so long was the fact that I didn’t feel all that depressed (apart from one very intense day-long dose of the blues in the summer) and it was the physical stuff that I was more concerned about. I explained about the workload, and how I’d mistaken obsessiveness for tenacity, and buried lots of myself in the process. It was then that he asked me a very simple, but very pointed question.

So how wedded to the hamster wheel are you?

This stopped me dead in my tracks.

After a certain amount of coaxing, I realised my marriage to the hamster wheel was total and all-consuming. I had taken it all on and not let anything back out. I had put myself last, and got caught up in the cult of busy, endlessly thinking and planning about things to change at work, things to change at home, worrying about neglecting everyone but never having the energy to do anything about it until it gained a momentum all of its own.

In her recent book “Sane New World” Ruby Wax uses a description of being on autopilot when she hosted a dinner party, didn’t drink but still couldn’t remember anything about it because the clatter of her own thought processes had driven her through it without her being able to retain any of it. I had been like that for months, possibly years.

Which is where mindfulness came into the conversation.

Mindfulness, for the uninitiated, does not have to wear tie-die and smell of patchouli, the universe does not need to hold you in its loving embrace and doesn’t even involve getting your kit off in a field, though if you feel the urge, I’ll encourage you to do whatever feels right for you as long as it makes you happy. (And in some instances, as long as I don’t have to watch whatever it is that makes you happy – i.e. I find drum solos catastrophically dull – I’m a happy bunny too).

My counsellor said, if you think you’re too busy for a ten minute mindfulness meditation, you should probably try at least half an hour and we went through a short meditation. It wasn’t like I was a complete stranger to meditation as I’d had a rather excellent yoga teacher back in the day, and I had used it to get to sleep when Smalls was small and I was anxious. And because I was off work, and spending an inordinate amount of time in bed, I started to build a practice into my life.

I think with burnout, you have to realise that this is a true life changer, and so it’s proved. I still do a lot of sleeping, and to be honest, I’m still not 100% percent, but I hope I am now a more optimistic, more creative and more honest version of the person I was before. And that’s down to Mindfulness. It’s a tool. It doesn’t suit everyone. But it works for me. And it’s one of those habit changes that I’ve managed to stick with for the long haul.

Posted in Burnout, the feels

10 things I’ve learned after burning out…

I burned out last year after 7 months of doing daft hours and trying to keep my head above water on the project I was doing. All in all (perversely) when I managed to get my sorry arse back up off the ground, it’s been a *VERY LARGE LEARNING EXPERIENCE* and it’s actually improved my life. It’s certainly given me plenty to think about.

Here’s what I’ve found…

1. You need all of the sleep. And the naps. For months after you’ve crashed. This isn’t sloth, it’s healing.

2. You will still have days where your brain refuses to work properly. This is the nature of your recovery, rearrange things if necessary to accommodate for this, you probably have more agency than you give yourself credit for. Be aware that if you have 1 good day, the next day you might have a day where it’s like you’ve eaten a great big slice of stupid pie, and that’s ok.

3. You start saying “no” – a lot.

4. Your thoughts of “omg, it’s all going to go wrong and argh etc” can be beaten into submission as you now recognise they are just thoughts. Your brain is throwing things at you in response to all the cortisol that’s bombing through it and often nothing based on reality.

5. You realise that anti-depressants are not the worst thing in the world.

6. You practise Mindfulness meditation which can be really helpful in quelling the incessant head noise. It’s actually not a pile of old hippy bollocks.

7. The step off the hamster wheel is something brilliant and caring that you are doing for yourself. You are not weak but you are tired.

8. Your loved ones like you happy.

9. You stop putting too much pressure on yourself. “Your kids would rather have frozen lasagne from a happy mom, than a perfect home cooked meal from a witch”.

10. You can only concentrate on a limited number of things at a time. However you resist the urge to beat yourself up about this and go have a nice cuppa.

Posted in Burnout, the feels

How mindfulness helped me to get my groove back after burnout – Part 2

So anyway, there I was, having reached the end of my tether, the tank was empty, the bottom of the barrel had been officially scraped and I then had to find my way back.

Unfortunately, first I had to negotiate getting signed off and I also had to go through a telephone interview with the Employee Assistance service to access counselling. (Fully supported by my boss, I might add). Let’s just say, because I couldn’t get to see my normal doctor, I got the “So what do you want me to do?” treatment, and the counselling service suggested (in all seriousness) that the reason why I had been unable to sleep for 4 months and was experiencing headaches and fuzziness was because (I sh*t you not) I was hungry.

The temptation to say “Erm, are you having a giraffe pet?” was strong but I resisted. In the end, my proper doctor was brilliant. I went on a low dose anti-depressant and tried to ride out the side effects. With a poorly child and a chest infection. Thanks immune system, your timing is epic.

About 3 weeks after I’d finished work, I got my appointment through for the counsellor. Still not great, still numb, reeling from the side effects of the AD’s…To be continued….Part 3 coming soon……

Posted in Burnout, the feels

Being Mindful (or how it helped me to get my groove back after burnout) – Part 1 – the sh*t bit

This week is Mental Health Awareness Week in the UK and its theme this year is Mindfulness.

Sounds like a big old pile of hippy nonsense. It really isn’t.

Should any of the people who make up my small but lovely audience have been wondering what the hell I’ve been doing for the last year, I basically worked far too hard for far too long, then fell over. Like a short blonde brontosaurus falling over a cliff. Unfortunately I couldn’t find a stock image of that, so I’ll just have to let you rely on your imagination.

barney the dinosaur
I couldn’t bring myself to chuck Barney off a cliff

The stupid thing is I could feel it as it crept its insidious way over my entire life. I stopped writing, I was ratty (ok, that’s not too much of a change – I’m genetically predisposed towards impatience), wracked with guilt (all the guilt – parental, spousal, familial, food, exercise, health, work, leisure, sleep, alcohol – you name it). I just stopped enjoying everything and kept on trying to stay on top of the job. So I was at the desk at 6am when Smalls was asleep, at the desk until 10.30pm and at a weekend, always in the mistaken belief that, at one point, I would get on top of it all – and then everything would be okay.

I was a bit wrong. And I couldn’t cook to save my life any more.

Physically I felt more and more “odd”, because apart from the headaches and waking up several times a night, I had a weird fizzing sensation in my brain, which eventually became numbness. I was awash with aches and pains and uppity guts. I would try and do things that required just the teeniest little squirt of adrenalin to complete – simple things like trying to pull out of a junction – and the juice just wasn’t there.

The drawbridges, tunnels and bridges that gave me access to my memories were gradually being drawn up, blocked up or removed. I forgot peoples’ names, tried not to weep on planes and on mute on telephone conferences, lost the ability to read and eventually speaking became problematic, partly because I could never remember the right words for anything. Hilarious when you do a job that relies on effective communication and a lot of talking. Ha ha.

It came to a head after a week off, where, on the first day back, I just fell apart.

Sick face
Yes, that bad

I was one of the lucky ones. My boss had been through it, some of my colleagues had been through it, and I work for a company that has the resources to support my recovery to a certain extent. My boss basically said “Go off sick, you need a proper rest, go see your doctor, get the meds if you have to, your job will still be here when you get back” and for that I am eternally grateful.

Unfortunately I have to break off now, due to the need for sleep (more of that later) but Part 2 will be winging it’s way over soon.

However here’s something I can never get sick of watching….fill your wellies!

Please Take A Moment To Enjoy This Vine Of Michael Gove Falling Over via @lukelewis @buzzfeed

Posted in the feels

Sad

RIP Mister Thornton

Take carexxx

I’m gutted, a friend of mine died last weekend and I only found out on Sunday night..

Someone who stood up for me, supported me during the horrible marriage and who had a heart as big as a house….talked to me til 4 in the morning the day before my (1st) wedding because I was bricking it that my dad would turn up and disrupt everything….when Al’s behaviour was getting wackier and wackier….

The real git of the matter is we had a stupid disagreement about the whole ebay thing (rings…) and I never sorted it out…because he was supporting the underdog (as he tended to – i.e. Al – who was in a much worse place than I was, but if I’m honest, I was the strong one so he was more concerned about Al’s shaky mental health) I took umbrage….silly woman

I was too angry to look at it from his perspective…Does anyone detect a theme????